Nessa

To anybody still here...

2008-11-18T23:03:22Z

It's been forever. Again.

I don't think I'll ever be coming back to Deadjournal, actually- though that might change in few years since it will probably still be here. After all, that's what happened with Livejournal after I stumbled across an amazing story titled Strangetown, Here We Come. At first I had one just because it was free and I still prefered this place better but now I've discovered a whole new world on Livejournal that I'm very involved in. That would be the Sims 2 fandom.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I live and breathe the Sims 2, but I have found some awesome online friends through those communities on there that I do talk to quite often- and definitely not just about the game.

I'd say if you have a livejournal you can go ahead and friend me (I'm xel_squirgle_ox) but if you're not into the Sims 2 you'd probably get bored pretty easily since my main thing on there is a story titled Immortal Beloved. I do write personal entries in there, but not often. There's not really a need to since not much has happened in my life.

So what HAS happened, though? I'm still at Suffolk, in what is hopefully my 5th and final semester there. It may sound weird but I will definitely miss it after I graduate and move onto another college. I also run a small jewelery business called Phunky Junk N' Jewels (sorry, but I haven't updated the site in such a long time) where I take my work to sell at craft fairs. I still am participating in choir, and after years of trying out and not succeeding, I finally have a solo. It's the alto part in Mozart's "Sparrow Mass". I still don't drive (failed my road test twice) and I now have to take the bus to school because my dad finally got a job.

Most importantly, I'm still single, but I'm content. Though it would be nice, I also don't have the burning need to find a guy anymore.

Well I guess that's all I have to say. If you don't mind all the Sims crap, see you on LJ!

~Van

Yet another layout change!

2006-06-20T16:16:45Z

Current Layout: Dresden Dolls
All Graphics, except for the icon are by ME!
DO NOT STEAL ANYTHING!!!
Thanks: ~Van

rockmachickenzz @ 2005-01-02T20:34:00

2005-01-03T01:36:28Z

I know, journal looks crappy because the background and friends only pictures have been taken out.
I will have a new layout (or the same old ones) up soon! I'm applying to be a maker at a community and I needed all the space in my free photo hosting account as possible for examples!

Had To Move This To Change The Banner... :)

2004-10-13T21:25:53Z

Sorry, This Journal Is Now Friends Only!

New Layout And Friends Only Banner!

Not really much people read this to begin with, and as time goes on I keep posting more and more things about my personal life. A few days ago I wrote my first friends only entry and I felt protected from criticism, like what I would occasionally get from anonymous people when they commented.

Here's the Rules to Being My Friend:

-Be friendly (of course!)

-Dont just add me because you need friends, add me because you have looked at my userinfo and saw we had some things in common, or I seem like a cool person to you, etc. I want to feel like I'm friends with you for a reason!

-Update often! I enjoy reading my friends section and the more friends I have the more I will be out of boredom!

See, that isnt much. Comment and I shall gladly add you!

NOTE: I will not be cutting anyone, so dont worry you guys who are already my friends! :)

Goodbye... For now.

2004-08-10T00:43:13Z

It seems to me that I've been way to obsessive for the past few days... About many many things.
I've decided (well, with a little help) that it's best for me to have time for myself for a little while
I've got things to catch up on, chores to do that havent been done. The summer has messed up my mind and I need to fix myself a bit.
So uh, I will be gone for about two days. Trying the best I can to calm myself down. If anybody wants to talk to me, call my cell. It is 943-1367, I'd be glad to have some company.

Wish me luck!

There are some things time will not change... For everything else there's MasterCard...

2004-08-09T12:15:26Z

Last post for maybe a while, until I get my life back on track...

I've been upset for the past few days. So upset that I've cried myself to sleep last night, the night before that and the night before that. I cant tell you what happened that I feel so bad about it, but I can tell you why I feel so horrible. And then, no matter how much I feel bad about this, something else tells me I shouldnt be, that I'm happy that I feel this way. It's doing major damage emotionally and physically. Just click on the link to see.

2/12/04
You know, once something is gone, you realize how much you miss it...
Many things in my life have been like that, my ex boyfriend, the way my best friend Cat and I used to be...
My mind is currently focused on my friend Brian, who gave me the code to set up this thing. It's not that he's completely GONE. I mean, I talk to him online, but I haven't seen him in person since June because he graduated and isn't in my school anymore. Plus he's always busy. I havent talked to the guy since the first day I recieved this.
It's funny, he used to annoy me at lunch last year, and once I realized he was being friendly I got completely obsessed with him, although I didnt show it. Time went on and that little obsession turned into a crush, which had continued into the summer, when I found out his address and sent a letter to him. Once he called me like I asked him to, I started to get to know him better and that insane crush turned into just a friendship.
At that time, I was really sure that the only reason why my obsession was so strong was because I was so lonely. You see, that year it seemed like whatever male person around my age who wasn't related came in contact with me, I would eventually develop a crush on.
Well, it seems to be coming back again. I dont know how or why, but whenever he mentions his girlfriend to me I get really jealous. It may be because we have joked around a lot saying that when I'm 17, he's gonna fuck me, but maybe it could be more than that. I mean, I don't think he's the best looking guy, but since I have read his deadjournals, I feel like I know his personality more, and the messed up depressed side that I haven't seen, and I'm kind of attracted to I guess. Maybe its because I see someone that has been as depressed as I am before, I've got no clue. I could tell you one thing though, it's not a good feeling. I've even sent him an email saying how I felt, but I'm sure he didn't read it.
That is why I am putting this entry here, because I cant keep this bottled up any longer!
2/15/04
This obsession with Brian has gotten sooo OVERBOARD!!! I hate it I hate it I HATE THIS!!! Meanwhile, I'm not even trying to get rid of it although I want to. I still have been reading his deadjournal, and have accomplished reading every single entry! He's only read one of mine so far I think. I just cant wait until he reads these past entries to see how messed up this is.
Every time when I'm not doing anything, HE pops into my head! When I'm sleeping, I dream about him! I think that a part of me is forcing myself to think that I hate it, and deep down, I'm really in love with him... Grrr.... The cluelessness about how I am REALLY feeling is driving me crazy!
I seriously think I'm in love with him now... My God... I think I'm in love with a guy 3 years older than me, and if we ever start a relationship now it would be illegal! He's got this new girlfriend who hes currently happy with also! He hasnt even gotten to talk to me in about two days. I just hope if he sees this, he wont get shocked, or think he shouldnt talk to me anymore, or avoid me like Rob did. I am sooo afraid that if I get into a relationship, it'll end up as fucked up as Rob and I were! I'm scared, and lonely also. Hope this doesnt mess up our friendship when he finds out, although I really want him to.

This is killing me inside...

It's my life, NOT yours!!!

2004-06-29T14:53:06Z

Stuff regarding my medication...
If you dont know, I take Zoloft for my anxiety/depressive disorder.

I take a small dose, and it doesnt do anything to me and I'm fine with that.
My parents on the other hand, think it's done a lot.

They say before I started taking it, I hadnt laughed or had fun or anything with them then.
Ha, that's because I hate them!!!!!

I said to them, "yes I did"
And my moms like "sweetie, no you didnt. You just dont remember."

Now see, I do remember!
It was only in October when I started taking it!
Not like, 3 years ago or something.

I was in a horrible state then.
My first boyfriend, who I had experienced a lot with (wink wink), had broken up with me.

OF COURSE I WAS DEPRESSED!

Before that though, I had lots of fun!
Not with my parents.
I hate my parents so why should I laugh and have fun with them?
I've got friends, a small amount, but I do have friends.

So anyway...

Theyre discussing how they should increase my dosage.
Just because I wear black all the time, I dont smile a lot, and I listen to depressing music. (I was blasting out Nine Inch Nails yesterday, and that's pretty heavy stuff!)

NO MATTER WHAT THEY CANNOT CHANGE THAT!
I have associated with Goth for years.
Do I consider myself Gothic? No.
I just relate to it better.

I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A GLOOMY OUTLOOK ON LIFE, MOM AND DAD!
I've never knew anything different.

I do not want to increase it, as you can see.
If I do, I'd be afraid of going numb.
I want to feel things.
I'd miss the depression, I know I will.

And it's not like I'm THAT bad!

They think because I was diagnosed with this depressive/anxiety disorder that I am suicidal.
My mom once said before that the reason why she was paying very close attention to me and butting into my personal life was because she was afraid I was gonna slit my wrists at any second!

Hello mother, DONT LABLE ME!!

I cant stand it.
Everybody knows I am totally against suicide.
I think it's stupid.
I even told my parents that.

But all they think is that what I said is a dumb lie just to make them happy....

FUCK YOU!!!!

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-06-27T13:06:00

2004-06-27T17:07:51Z

Oh yeah!

Happy B-Day

iamforsaken

Has banned me from commenting in his journal! :(

If Anyone Knows Who THIS Is...

2004-06-27T15:55:13Z

http://www.villagephotos.com/viewpubimage.asp?id_=9126143

They're OOZING with awesomeness!

**Bonus Points If You Can Name A) What was the relationship he had with his "partner"? B) How is the guy who played him famous today?

(I dunno, I was bored...)

Yes, this is the first drawing I am making available here, and no, the damn deadjournal site is not letting me show the picture here. Anyways, all I can draw is cartoons, and believe me, the characters I come up with myself are MUCH better. But anyway... Many people's favorite character's from Rocky Horror are either Frankenfurter or Magenta and such... Riff's always been my fave and I've got no clue why.
My aunt and I were looking all over for the RHPS DVD yesterday, since I had a ton of money I wanted to spend and I was sleeping over her house watching the movie.
I'm probably gonna go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show thingy at Bald Hill on August 20th. If I get dressed up, I'm definitely going as Columbia. (hehe, I already have my hair short, and I'd love to dye my hair pink and now I have an excuse. This would be my first time going to one of these things, I cant wait!

In other news, instead of getting what I wanted, I got more Nine Inch Nails CDs! Now I have the Fragile and ...And all that could have been.

I'm totally in love with ...And all that could have been... They're great live! But it is still not Pretty Hate Machine, which I have wanted for the longest time. But at least it has a few songs from there on the one CD, but there's no "Perfect Drug" which I already love! I guess I have to look those things up on the internet. :(

Okay, this is really annoying...

2004-06-25T12:45:09Z

Here I am, with my annual summer depression.
No motivation to do absolutely nothing 'cept for sitting on my fat ass and playing the computer.
I have been sleeping a lot, eating a lot, etc.
It's horrible.
I think a lot has to do with the fact that I havent taken my Zoloft that much lately, although I did take it today I still feel crappy.
I havent gone out anywhere like I want to, and I have loads of money that I need to get rid of, but nobody wants to get up and drive me anywhere.

So there, that is why I havent been on deadjournal as often as I used to.
Nothing is happening.
:(

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-06-23T10:14:00

2004-06-23T14:15:03Z

I'm
a Gryffindor!
Hehe, like I didnt know that...

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-31T19:51:00

2004-06-01T00:08:40Z

LOOK OUT!
ïòð

Rockmachickenzz is a radioactive squirrel!!

From Go-Quiz.com
Ha! This I am!

What is your major malfunction? by sasseestefanie
Name:
Nickname:
DJ/LJ username:
Malfunction:	Crude conceit
Reason:	Abused since you were a tot
Can it be fixed?:	Just shoot yourself--you're not worth saving
Overused phrase:	"I'm a failure..." ::sobs::

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Yes, this is TOO true!

Angel Style by greymentality

Name/Username

First Impression from Others

You try to avoid others.Humanity has become so sad

Your Core

You have martial influence, but guided by Love.

Potential to Stray from the Light: 67%

Your Weakness

You are in love with a fallen angel.

Your Strength

You work undercover. Like NYPD Blue, but not.

Your Wings

Great raptor wings, like a falcon or eagle

Your Focus

Hope

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Wow! This one is also true!

Threat rating: extremely low. You may think you can
subvert the government, but if you should try
you will be smited mightily because God likes
us best.

What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
ANOTHER true thing!

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-31T17:50:00

2004-05-31T21:50:26Z

Most Likely Male Celeb To Bang ::Edited:: by lifeoflindz
Your Name
Age
Virgin?
Your Man	Brad Pitt
Where?	Grocery Store
You say	Nothing

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Doo Dee Doo Dee Dooom Dooom

2004-05-31T17:18:22Z

Take the Which Invader ZIM character are you? by Glovey

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-31T12:30:00

2004-05-31T16:31:06Z

By the way, my new Icons are from: http://www.columbia-center.org/watersoflethe/icons/ljicons.html (Icons By Hannah)
There's a lot of great humorous Lord of the Rings icons there!

Sigh...

2004-05-31T14:32:06Z

I'm considering on making this friends only...
I have a cool Leggy friends only banner ready but nobody talks to me!!!
I'm looking on random graves for more friends. Boy am I a loser...
WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Oh well, for a public Blog, I have my LJ (http://www.livejournal.com/users/xel_squirgle_ox/)
I havent made the descision but oh well, there's the link. (like anyone will listen.)

...And this one's for Brian!

2004-05-30T00:51:20Z

You Are A Relationship Doormat!

Surprise, you ruin relationships. Bet you didn't see that one coming :-)

While you're a nice, understanding, and caring girlfriend - you don't put your needs first.

And deep down, it's probably because you worry about getting dumped.

So speak up for yourself, weed out the losers sooner, and you'll find a guy that *deserves* you.

Do You Ruin Relationships? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Ahem, that I do...
(Which really sucks :(.)

Fowl's Obsession

2004-05-30T00:42:24Z

I think I need a paid account, although I cant!
Im gonna get one once I have a job. I have all these Icons saved on my computer but I cannot post them all!
I'm clearly obsessed with costomizing the journal thingies.
Damn...

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-28T20:26:00

2004-05-29T00:27:58Z

R	Relaxed
O	Outrageous
C	Cranky
K	Kind
M	Mysterious
A	Altruistic
C	Cranky
H	Haunting
I	Intense
C	Complicated
K	Kinky
E	Emotional
N	Naive
Z	Zippy
Z	Zonked

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-25T17:41:00

2004-05-25T21:42:11Z

You're a Deathrocker/Goth-Punk! You're into old
school gloom-n-doom ghoul punk music, ripped up
tight clothing, and big hair cut into unnatural
designs. You recognize the cheesiness in Goth,
and play with it to your benefit.

What kind of Goth would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-25T16:45:00

2004-05-25T21:08:16Z

You Are a Friendly Ex

While the guys you've dated haven't been perfect, you've kept most as friends

In fact, one or two of your exes may be your best friends - after all, they know you best

And though your mature attitude is awesome, make sure nothing gets too weird

Or else you could lose these friendships, simply because your exes' new women think you're *too* friendly

What Kind of Ex Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are Friends With Potential

There's a little spark going on here, no question about it

Will this develop into a hot romance? Look to your guy friend for clues.

Does he flirt with all his female friends? Or are you an exception?

If he's giving you special treatment, you've won a part of his heart already.

Is He More Than a Friend? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are a Boy Shorts Bikini!

You're a sexy girl - but not the type that likes to let it all hang out.

You are in to a little of everything at the beach - swimming, tanning, playing

And when you're running around, you'll be sure your butt isn't falling out of your suit

What Kind of Bikini Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Day was filled with ups and downs.

2004-05-24T23:49:38Z

Just when you think your day can only go downhill fron a certain spot it gets a little better.
I had the NYSSMA chorus thing to go to today. I was prepared to be gone all day, I just brought my purse and my permission slips and clothed to change into because I was going to be gone all day since I had my regular chorus thing AND my womens choir thing. I walk up to mr hough and I hand him the two permission slips and he stares at me funny. I ask him if we need our music folder for womens choir and he says to me "you're not going to that".
I was oblivious, and tears started rolling down my face like they always do when I am confused.

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-22T22:40:00

2004-05-23T02:50:52Z

Why do you cry?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Rock Chick Are You?
lol, no I am not!

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Poet
Your Favorite Band/Song	Sneaker Pimps - Low Five
You Like To Read:	Classic literature
You Firmly Believe In:	Orange juice
Everyone Thinks You Are:	OMG WAY HOTT LOLZ
You Were Conceived:	On the 30-yard line
You Will Marry:	The Antichrist

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-19T11:16:00

2004-05-19T16:15:02Z

I miss someone REALLY bad.
I know this is pointless that i miss him since he will prolly never talk to me again... Mostly, i just need a friend to talk to. Most likely a guy friend that i can disguss my problems to. Too bad i dont have anyone like that. since i uh, have a lot of guy problems at the moment, and my only guy friend right now is the one im having a problem with...

rockmachickenzz @ 2004-05-16T20:21:00

2004-05-17T00:33:44Z

this is my way to live

What about yours?

made by rav-chan

Goddess of the Moon. You are usually somewhat sad
or solemn, but no one knows why. You love the
luminous glow of the moon.

What Goddess Are You? (Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Winter.

Which of the Seasons are You? ( With Pictures ^-^ )
brought to you by Quizilla

What Harry Potter character is your best friend?
Name / Username
You are best friends with	Draco Malfoy
You first met while	trying to catch a butterfly on the school grounds (who new he/she was going to jump in your way?)
The biggest secret they have told you is that	He/she stole Norbert and has him in a mixing bowl at home

This QuickKwiz by DyamondSilverfyre - Taken 1303 Times. </a>